It wasn't until after a length of health issues spiraled me into depression and celibacy that I really started to be reflective about who I was, who I'd been, and who I wanted to be. I became content with being alone for the first time since 8th grade. I started to get to know me and value who people were more than what they looked like. Up to that point I'd dated 95% athletic body types, 3% super skinny guys, 2% pudgy. Then my daughter's father walked into my life. He split that 2% to make a new category of straight up fat. I really dispised fat guys up until that point. I befriend them, maybe even teased them but that was as far as it would go. They were good people, but in my mind their weight made them not good enough for me. As a young child I used to talk about how I'd never be with a fat guy. (Disclaimer: My family really looked down on fat people even though most of them were/are fat themselves. I didn't just come up with this ish on my own.) Yet here was this guy who seemed to have such a gentle heart. He was so considerate, well rounded, talkative, humble, and generous. I thought "I don't care what he looks like. I'm falling in love with this guy." Fast forward years later and I'm having his child.
My pregnancy was hard on me health wise, both mentally and physically. I actually tried to committ suicide while pregnant. That was probably my lowest point in my life. I felt myself unworthy of giving life and that she'd be better off without me. I rationalized that I was far enough along in my pregnancy that she could survive on her own as long the ambulance got there quickly. It was bad. I was living the classic tale of "abused girl guarded and finally crashing". I was limited in my activities for most of my pregnancy because I was high risk and it just gave me too much time to relive all the turmoils and pain in my life. It gave me time to finally really feel how much I hated my mother and grandmother for the pain they allowed right in front of them. It gave me time to remember my hungry homeless days. It gave me time to despise my siblings who left their youngest sibling to fend for herself. It gave my memories the chance to launch a full out war on my being.
My mental battle was way to much for my child's father to handle. I think after the attempt at suicide it was all down hill from there. He couldn't understand what was going on with me. Why it was so hard for me to just be the me that he fell in love with, why I couldn't stop crying, why I suddenly felt so low about myself, why I felt like everything was the blame game at me, ... why I was so unstoppably miserable. Unfortuantly things didn't get better after I gave birth because I suffered from post partum and that banging body had been swallowed by the Micheline Man so our sex life became close to nonexistent. I was uncomfortable being me.
I started taking medicines for all my mental and physical health issues, but it didn't seem to help much. I still struggled just to get out of bed each day. I was missing out on how beautiful it really was to be a mommy and murdering my relationship.
It wasn't until I went back to church that the fog started lifting and I started feeling hope again. The problem was, I'd sucked all the hope out of the man in my life. We fumbled through our relationship for another year or so, but it was so over. The longer we stayed together the more evil he became. Now he wasn't just despising me. I officially hated him. (I still do by the way.) He said such awful and hateful things to me over our last year together. He started treating me the way I felt about myself when I was inside the belly of my depression. It was like now that he didn't have to be encouraging to help me to not kill myself he could finally agree that I was a horrible person. The relationship was super unhealthy and with a wedding that was planned for 8 months away ... we split. I still love that fat bastard and I think I always will because he was the first person who I loved 100% for who they were. He treated me amazingly in the beginning and added to my experiences of what I know I deserve.
Even now that he is a complete asshole and half ass father I can appreciate him because each time he pisses me off it motivates me to be a better me. I've always believed that the best revenge you can get on someone is to be successful. It has to piss someone you despise off that you are doing good.
